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Pushing your car up hill or How I feel Today

Imagine you are driving down a long, flat road. It has a steep hill in the distance and nothing but the past stretching far behind you. Maybe there is someone with you, perhaps you have only the conversation in your head to keep you company. No matter - your cruising along, wind running up your forearm, angled perfectly to hit your face. The sun is warm and the cruise control has you covered - your biggest problem is a slight boredom.

With the radio up to keep your mind at bay (take note for future reference), you don't hear the slight whimper coming from your car. The picture of what you've left behind or what compels you forward is perfectly covering your emergency warning light. With not a car in sight for hours, your feeling of freedom is waiting for the moment about to come, your senses heighten and you mistake precognition for a rush of energy. But no, reality is a winner and it makes no mistake in taking you out at the height of your feeling. Shot down, the car is no longer your transportation.

You get out of the vehicle, now angry and slamming the door - cursing the car that was so caring for you moments ago. The quick ride is over and frustration holds out until the creeping sense of dread starts to communicate the environment.

You haven't seen a car for hours.

There is no commercial outposts or homes in sight.

You've driven very far with it this way and you know there is no turning back.

Forward, there is where you were headed at least and fear turns to an inkling of determination.

 Maybe you have belongings in the car. Maybe there is no shoulder at the base of this hill, but anyway, you decide to push. You tell your companion or the voice in your head it's time to go - the sun is lowering in the sky and the warmth is about to turn on you, too. You start pushing, trying to steer, door open while pulling back onto the road. It's difficult at first and it takes a couple of tries for your brain to figure out where this abnormal strength should come from. But it does and the wheels start to turn. They turn slowly at first, but soon the wind is back, slightly brushing the hair from your now sweaty brow.

You feel good. You feel powerful and as you hit the base of the hill you must climb, you feel invincible. You hit a great stride, almost running and pushing the car with little effort as you start to incline. It get's a bit harder, but no matter - you've got this.

But the hill is long and your perception tinged with fear of the elements and barren environment. No people. No food or water. No shade or shelter. You started pushing because you had to and now on the hill, you question your ability to finish. You push, you yell. You try to stop but know the car can't roll back now, it would crash or you'd have to jump in while it's moving and hit the brakes.

It's a heavy car! Why did you start to push it in the first place? Why didn't you leave the car and walk up the hill to get help?

Doubt fills but there is no turning back. There is not an option to stop or to take a break. You push and climb - yelling at the companion or the voice in your head. You push and shove, feet slipping as you try to get just a little further. The farther you climb, the more you dig in and find twitches of power never yet tapped into.

The car keeps rolling, though there is now no time for feelings or self gratitude or to notice what happened to the wind. You push an inch and then a centimeter at a time, gravity working against you and sheer determination on your side.

Right now, it's just time to push.

To be continued...


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